Co-Parenting in Postpartum

Co-parenting at this stage of development looks quite different from how it feels with older children. For some parents, this is the first time you've had to ask for help or the first time you feel like you can't do everything on your own. It's a time when your newborn is highly reliant on co-regulation and your support to be fed which can feel overwhelming and require a lot of your time and attention. Early parenthood can be a vulnerable time of self discovery but also an opportunity to learn how to communicate with your partner, yourself and your team in a whole new way. Some suggestions to consider: 

• Transparency: be sure to let your partner know just how you're feeling and how things are going. "I" statements are probably the most important communication tool for early parenthood and it's important for all caregivers to be invited to share how things are feeling in order to help everyone get their needs met.

• Determining Needs: It's hard to get your needs met when it's also hard to determine what they are in postpartum and it can take some time to fully understand what your individual needs are as a new parent. Listen to yourself and to each other. You may need to strategize to get more sleep for better mental health or so you have more capacity to show up. It could be that your fuse is short because you're not eating enough and you don't feel like you have the time to make food. You may need some space to yourself to take a shower or a walk. These are all important basic needs that are sometimes hard to prioritize while caring for a new baby.

• Shuffling Priorities: there may be a need to shift tasks so each parent has the time to get their needs met. Can you ask other folks to help with chores like yard work, groceries, older childcare or pet care? Can you set aside time for house or yard chores so that it's clear when certain tasks will be prioritized to avoid resentment?

• Sharing the care: it's incredibly easy for the birthing parent to assume 100% or even 85% of the baby's care, however it's exhausting to be holding that parenting caretaker ticker alone over time. Be sure everyone has the space to bond with baby and establish the safety and connection necessary for a baby to be soothed and calm. Sometimes the birthing parent needs to actually step out so they can give other folks the grace and space to establish that connection, especially if there is a bit of crying involved or sometimes it's helpful for the birthing parent to be the bridge of connection so baby can also establish trust. You'll all be really grateful down the road when more than one person can soothe the baby. There are also many benefits for baby to bond with more than one caregiver. 

• Nighttime parenting: this takes time and practice to determine what will work the best for your family. Ideally everyone take turns with nighttime parenting and soothing. Shift sleeping can be really helpful when you feel ready to split the night. You'll have to already made friends with your pump and be willing to give bottles. If you're not there just yet, you can consider sharing the night by tasking the non-feeding jobs to the parent who is not breastfeeding. In time, it's ideal that everyone knows how to support or soothe baby to sleep and how to soothe when they wake. It's much harder to welcome a caregiver into this rhythm down the road. 

For more support, here are some helpful podcasts recorded with Katie DaMota and David Arrell around partnering in parenthood: http://babytalkpodcast.net To connect with David directly for co-parenting or fatherhood support: https://www.welcometofatherhood.com/ He's happy to speak with anyone struggling to find their footing in fatherhood.