Exploring Intimacy in Early Parenthood

Navigating intimacy in parenthood can be surprising. Some parents begin to express feelings of being 'touched out', craving or dreading sex but not finding time to connect with their partner or themselves, thinking about another baby (or really not wanting another baby), and/or struggling with body image and how breastfeeding may interfere with intimacy.  Of course, not everyone experiences a change in intimacy postpartum but it could be that a future pregnancy may ask you to tune in deeper so I appreciate that we can have these conversations as a community. 

Here are some notes and resources for you:

Discovering your postpartum body and redefining intimacy in parenthood: It may take some time to reconnect with your body after having a baby. Things may look and feel different. Some moms choose to explore on their own first to feel things out before welcoming physical intimacy with another. Some women opt for a very slow, intentional reintroduction saving any penetrative intercourse for down the road while others feel really ready and confident immediately. Orgasm is an amazing release and a tool for mental and emotional well being so keep that in mind, regardless of how you get there.  

Intimacy: keep in mind there are so many ways to connect with yourself or partner post baby and things may look different.  If you're bed sharing, you may not feel like getting intimate in your bed any longer, so sort out some other opportunities/spaces for connection. You may be too tired in the evening so nap time becomes more of a reliable time of day. I love the '3 PM Kiss' idea - it's not spontaneous and exciting like things may have been before but it does put the intention right onto your calendar where you don't even have to think about it.  Maybe it'll lead to something more but at the very least you're maintaining your connection regularly. 

Being 'touched out' is so common. Babies and little ones enjoy contact and closeness and it can make it hard to want touch from anyone else, including your partner.

Breastfeeding reduces estrogen so you may be experiencing low libido and vaginal dryness - let your partner know so you can explore these changes together (certainly can be fun). Some parents have shared that they keep their breasts covered during sex so they don't leak. It's also super common for breastfeeding parents to not want their breasts or nipples touched during sex - clear communication with your partner is helpful.

Pelvic Floors and Scars: If you are experiencing pain or anxiety please reach out to a functional pelvic floor therapist, meaning someone who works for you! The goal of the work is to minimize discomfort and support healing. You can lessen or break up any scar tissue and work together to increase your pleasure. We hold so much in our pelvic floors and sometimes therapeutic work releases whatever we need to let go of from birthing babies. They also have tools to support you to be able to handle baby steps of pressure if you’re experiencing discomfort - and they make it fun! This site is helpful: https://www.wildfeminine.com/ Other practitioners: 

• Satisha Hollandsworth https://yourprenatalmassage.com/ for perinatal/infant massage.  She's in Rocklin.  

• Pelvic Floor rehab in Grass Valley (all listed on our resources page - Erin Wen is listed under Body Work along with other providers): Chelsea Lynch at Ponderosa PT or Mags Mathews, Leslie Stager is also a pelvic floor therapist. 

• Craniosacral therapists or Osteopaths can also support structural issues that may be causing pain or discomfort. 

Trauma/Healing: Pace yourself! It can take many weeks, months and sometimes years to slowly work through the layers of pain caused by fertility journeys, pregnancy, birth and postpartum related trauma or injury. Working with a trained therapist or one of the providers above is ideal. They can provide you with the necessary tools but also support you to feel seen and heard. Comfort and validation are key. There may be guilt associated with trauma or a lack of interest in intimacy - we talked a bit about tuning into what's on your 'Intimacy Menu' each day and allowing this conversation to be a welcomed aspect of your relationship with yourself and/or your partner. It's okay if the only thing on your menu is  a nap today or maybe a bath by yourself.

Weekly Meeting: We discussed the idea of scheduling time either daily, weekly or monthly to connect with intention and focus - in any way that feels good. For some, it's a moment to be very transparent and honest about how things are going in your relationship. For others, it may be time set aside for physical connection (it may not be as spontaneous as before, but scheduling it does help get you back into the flow when things aren't happening organically). Some families are asking for help from family or nannies so they have a protected space to be together.

I mentioned the work of Emily Nagoski and her books Come As You Are and Come Together. So good!! If you'd like to listen to the podcast where I discovered her, it's here and it may be all you need to get you thinking a little bit about your 'sexual brakes and accelerators'. Her information/data seems so essential for understanding how to navigate sexual desire, especially in a long term relationship: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6auIK2qqtCaJKxdnKMd8Bj and her podcast: https://www.feministsurvivalproject.com and her book: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-as-You-Are/Emily-Nagoski/9781476762111 

And finally... Esther Perel is inspiring and just amazing. She hosts her own podcasts: Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work? Her latest project is Where Should We Begin - A Game of Stories with Esther Perel that I highly, highly recommend! Here's where I first heard her speak: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6ivUHj6FrXxn94xYgjfWml

There are a number of relationship counselors who can help with intimacy and reconnection. Sometimes they work with individuals first and then a couple. Or there are trauma therapists who can paint a road map toward reconnection and release.

It's important to remember that this period of early parenthood isn't forever. You'll find more time, energy and space for intimacy as your baby grows. We talked about re-evaluating your own relationship with your body as a parent, finding confidence and having clarity about how you'd like to show up in your intimate relationship beginning with defining what pleasure looks like at this stage. Simple steps like enjoying a bath, oil, massage, a lovely cup of tea or a silky, soft layer are great places to begin if you're finding yourself adrift in a new body postpartum.

In our conversations, we pull together lists of common brakes and accelerators in case this is helpful to share here as well:

Common Brakes: 

• Time!! The number one issue for most parents of young children is time and space to connect. 

  • Set realistic expectations, plan for shorter sessions. Sips of intimacy

  • Connect during nap time or when you can find care

  • Some moms opt for self pleasure which can often be more efficient

• Space: the next most common issue is bedsharing and co-sleeping. The antidote: find other places to explore intimacy once baby is asleep. Of course keeping an ear for possible disruptions - better to try and at least have some time rather than wait for baby to sleep better. 

• Pain and Trauma from Birth: many women suffer from painful sex, prolapse or trauma post birth. There is a list of pelvic floor rehab specialists below. Please don’t wait to prioritize your body. Experiencing pleasurable sex is essential

• Body Image. Post pregnancy can leave many women feeling shame or disconnected from their bodies and it can be hard to find the time to exercise with baby. Can be helpful to start reconnecting with the lights off or with some clothes on. Finding realistic options for movement but also finding ways to embrace your body or folks to support you on your path. 

• Emotional health. Spiraling thoughts, anxiety and being disconnected from your body are very common

• Touched out and tired. Early motherhood leads to burnout and overwhelm. Many moms prefer to be left alone or to sleep. If you can seek reliable childcare this can help you rest and recharge for so many reasons but you may just find that your libido returns. 

• Low libido from breastfeeding. Low estrogen affects some women.

• Lack of reliable childcare for dates

• Resentment, arguing, not sharing the childcare load or caretaker ticker

  • Remember the weekly meeting!! Transparency is incredibly important to maintain attachment and trust

Accelerators: 

• Rest, sleep, nourishment: when your needs are met, you’re more likely to feel energized for connection 

• Childcare! To the partners who tell me their partner doesn’t want them anymore, I ask how much of the childcare load they are sharing. If the primary caregiver doesn’t get time to themselves, they’re far less likely to have time for connection

• Time for a shower and self/body love!! We don’t often feel sexy when we haven’t had a shower in days. 

• Date/time for connection without baby. Again, childcare. 

• Clear, consistent expectations and communication in your relationship 

It’s expected that intimacy will look different in early parenthood and continue to shift throughout parenthood. Just like all the other pieces of yourself, it becomes important to redefine how you’ll prioritize this essential piece. Please reach out for help if you’re finding it hard to find your way back to yourself and/or your partner.