Community Play: Babies + Kids

Community play like going to the park, music classes, play dates, playgroups and library meet-ups can be exciting but also overwhelming and full of new firsts. 

Here are some of the suggestions we’ve shared in group: 

Sharing is not developmentally expected. It’s normal for toddlers to want to keep their toys safe or not want to stop playing to give the toy to a friend. It’s also normal for toddlers to take toys from one another as they work through some of the social expectations of community play. Ideally, sharing isn’t forced but modeled. Ideally, timers aren’t involved. 

It can be helpful to support emotions. When a child is sad because the toy has been taken, this is a moment for learning about sadness and what it feels like when something gets taken. If you're able to invite the other child to give the toy back, that's ideal but may not always be possible. Forcing a child to share does not teach sharing. If they're not willing to give the toy back, try talking about feelings and turn taking. Maybe it's a moment to understand the child's desire or worry about the toy. If it's not something they're ready to share, be sure to let them know that you’ll keep that toy safe for them and they can try sharing it another time. Perhaps they can choose a different toy to share. 

It's so hard to be patient and it's hard to take turns sometimes.  "What can we do while we wait for our turn? Sing a song, do a dance, find another toy?" The answer may be that they want to sit and cry - it's a process! 

If shame comes up for you, see if you can try to make peace with it knowing that this is all a very natural, expected process for kids. I've found myself sweating at a playdate when truthfully it's not a reflection on my parenting, it's that I’m feeling triggered by conditioning that doesn't serve me any longer.

"Mine" is a normal phase of development. Seeking clarity around the intention can help you guide them. Are they using "mine" to ask for a turn? In which case, you might respond with "You'd like a turn with our chair?" They're still learning vocabulary and a little support can shift the language. Or are they seeking ownership over something? This is a big milestone and an aspect of identity and individuality. I'd encourage some of the big statements when they are appropriate so that they feel empowered but also safe that the object won't be taken away. However, if it's not their object then your guidance might sound like "That's Milo's truck and we can ask if you can have a turn." Which may lead to more emotions of course but clarity around the meaning of "mine" can really help you guide them to more language. 

Along with sharing, there are clearly many other concepts that show up like aggression which is absolutely expected and it takes time for kids to understand all the sides of engaging with friends. If you are available and have capacity during these moments, there are many teaching moments! There may be moments for teaching consent and gentle hands or you may be holding boundaries. Some phrases like, “It looks like you’re excited to see your friend. Let’s ask if they’d like a hug first.” Or “It’s okay to be upset, but friends aren’t for hitting. Would you like some help?”

 Always stay close to your child when they’re expressing themselves with forceful behavior so they know you’re going to help them keep their friends safe. Try to redirect to either the behavior you’re seeking like using gentle hands or perhaps they really need to get their energy out with big movements and physical play. They’re still learning how to express themselves and most often there is a need underneath the behavior. If you've ruled out being hungry, tired or bored perhaps they are sensory seeking or maybe looking for support with some emotions. 

After a big moment in community play, it is important to stay connected with your child and check in. Ask if they need a hug or need help then tune into the other child if possible to see if they need any support. Most of the time they're simply trying to communicate. For some children, one big moment is enough to end the playtime and others seem to be more resilient. Safety is key so if they need to step away and try again another day, that's important to lean into.

For the young child who is struggling to stay regulated with friends. It's expected that a two year old (sometimes all people) would have a hard time staying calm when they get excited, enthusiastic, frustrated, disappointed or overwhelmed/overstimulated. Their responses can be surprising and sometimes triggering for the adults around them. It's common to feel a little sweaty and awkward in community when hard moments happen. Keep in mind that everyone is working together and your collective regulation and support for your children is key! Maybe begin with a breath and as much self compassion as you can muster before tuning in with care. 

These are suggestions we shared today as a compliment to all of the steps we've discussed previously. 

In the moment: 

• Name it to frame it seems like a good tool here to help them understand their experience and feel safe in their bodies. 

• Redirect to other ways to move their feelings through their body: pushing the wall, hammering, yelling outside, regulation toys/tools, hugs, etc. 

• Remove them from the situation so they can calm down with you together. 

• Remember that they cannot hear you in the moment when they are dysregulated/upset. Co-regulation and connection is key. If they want to circle back later, that's a better time to discuss some tools for next time.  

Providing Support: it's still really important to stay near to your child during periods of time when they are expressing themselves with their bodies. Let them know you're there to help them keep their friends safe and provide support for them and their emotions. This not only helps to prevent the physical contact but alleviates possible anxiety that your child may be experiencing as they try to control their impulse which we know they don't have the ability to do just yet. This can be really draining for a parent who needs to stay with their child at all times while in community (and likely for the child as well)  so you may carve out some time when you're not together with friends for everyone to exhale. 

• Provide some language for the future so they can learn how to make room for themselves before they feel they need to use their body: 

  • "I need some space"

  • "No thank you or I don't like it when you ___"

  • Provide some sign language options 

  • Come up with some code words so they can ask for help from you or another caregiver or with friends who they see often enough. 

• Practice in safe spaces with safe friends some of the harder interactions that are coming up. "Can you show me a gentle hug?" 

• Provide plenty of expectations for community settings and make sure they have the ability to reach out for help when they need it. Building awareness and emotional maturity takes time. 

When your child has been hurt: Allow them the space for their natural expression and response, let them know you’re available for support/love and see if it’s possible to engage both children to share their experience. It’s expected that a child will want to process a significant or charged experience for quite a long time. They may ask you to replay it or perhaps they want to play it out as they integrate the experience into their bodies. It may help to give them context about how emotions and feelings can show up in behavior. Read some books about emotions for even more shared experience. 

We all need a little support sometimes when we're in community and our children are no different. It's hard to share our things or our space or even our loved family members and pets. It's hard to find our words while also experiencing frustration or excitement. With your help, they'll have the space to learn emotional regulation without shame or judgement. 

If you’re seeking one-on-one support, reach out for a consult!