Consent, Boundaries + Body Positive Parenting
Modeling and discussing physical boundaries can be a helpful place to start this conversation - such as, how many times will you pick up the toy they dropped? Or how much twiddling on your nipple while they nurse is ok? By sharing your boundaries they can begin to hear the language you use and also understand the very early stages of consent. Boundaries aren’t something earned, but are a given for all people no matter their age. Help them understand that their boundaries will be respected by everyone in your family so they can feel how it feels to be heard and therefore know when someone is disrespecting their boundaries.
How do we do this? Keep in mind that consent at its essence is simply checking in with themselves about what feels comfortable or safe. You can ask questions about how they feel or ask permission before tickling, helping, lifting them, moving or touching their body. Notice when they’re uncomfortable with personal space and check in to ask for them to clarify their boundaries. By actively checking in, they are learning how it feels to practice consent.
Listen to the ‘yes’ as well. Helping them learn what pleasure feels like for them is a step toward guiding them to listen to their inner voice which will leave them less vulnerable when they are alone in situations with other people and more empowered to seek out positive interactions. It also establishes value around joy!
Forcing to give affection to others at the risk of not having good manners or the acceptance and love of elders or family members sets the foundation for normalizing coercion. This is also true for siblings and friends. Consent violation is normalized all of the time without our realizing it’s happening. Allow for practice saying no and setting boundaries with safe people. Consider giving reminders about your agreements before you visit friends and family about boundaries so they feel empowered to find their voice. Give them examples for how to say 'no' and then let them know you'll stay close by to help them be heard. You may need to amplify their consent for quite a few years.
Inviting family and caregivers into your child's safety network can be helpful.. If/when a boundary violation occurs, it can be helpful to share the importance of consent and boundaries for little ones. Empower other adults or reframe it into collaboration and the importance of keeping kids safe today. (The ‘we know more today’ conversation).
Consent shows up at the table too - not pushing children to eat food past the point when they are full or eating foods they don’t want. Which is also important for instilling intuitive eating practices. Take steps to divest from diet culture for everyone in your home and focus instead of what feels good for each body. You might also try to avoid giving foods for comfort or reward.
Body Positive Parenting is about being mindful of having acceptance for all bodies in your home, including yourself. Model self confidence and acceptance of your body. Talk about how amazing bodies are and how many sizes and shapes bodies can be. They’re picking up social cues for what’s acceptable or expected in our culture. It’s a wonderful time to be intentional with languages, screen and book choices. Expose them to a wide range of bodies. Be careful of the words you choose to describe them and opt for a wide range or even better, let them use the words they think describe themselves as they are able being mindful to steer clear of gender stereotypes.
Encourage your child to explore and celebrate their bodies. Hold unconditional acceptance for their choices around their identity and expression. Encourage activity and help them notice how they feel after their body has been busy. Talk about what makes strong, healthy bodies: food, water, fresh air, activity, bath time - what else?
Some resources and books to consider for the next few years - some of them go into sex positive parenting (sorry the books aren't all linked):
My Body Belongs to Me - for parents
Stop, Please
C is for Consent by Eleanor Morison
Consent for Kids
Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept
I Love My Body Because
Bodies are Amazing
All Bodies are Good Bodies
I Like Myself
Lovely
A Boy Like You
Her Body Can
I Love All of Me
A Hug by Nicola Manton
Who am I? I am ME! by Jayneen Sanders
What makes a baby by Cory Silverberg
No Trespassing-This is MY body! by Pattie Fitzgerald
Can I Give You A Squish by Emily Neilson
My Voice Is My Super Power by Shariea Shoatz
Miles Is The Boss of His Body by Abbie Schiller + Samantha Kurtzman-Counter
Listening To My Body by Gabi Garcia
Amazing You!: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz
For those wanting to talk about female anatomy and periods (definitely helpful to start very young), Vaginas and Periods 101 is a great pop-up book!