Contrasting Parenting Perspectives
There is so much to dive into here!! Our conversations around this topic range from co-parenting to grandparents to parenting in community.
Your reaction and response largely depends on the role of the other person in your child's life. And even then, it's not always possible to find alignment. Sometimes it's an acceptance that we cannot (and should not) raise little ones in a perfect bubble. Learning resilience, critical thinking and emotional intelligence are only a few possible opportunities. Most importantly trusting that your voice as parents become the most important narrative or lens for your child and that you are advocating for yourself and your child in hard moments - letting go of the need to make other adults comfortable.
A few tips for responding when someone is parenting with you and it feels challenging:
Stop the moment, drop your agenda and check in with yourself (sometimes we need to use a distraction for little ones while we do this - it can be challenging to think on your feet so have something in your bag or in your car ready to offer to them)
Pause to breathe even if you need to walk away (when your child is safe) to do so
Allow yourself to have an emotion with compassion. Remind yourself that your feelings and emotions are a note from your heart and you are not only caring for yourself but modeling to your child how to respond and the importance of processing emotions.
Check in with the other person with curiosity and compassion. Maybe they have reasons or information to share about their approach. Curiosity really goes a long way!
Schedule weekly meetings with your partner so you know that you have protected, ongoing space to share your frustrations with one another without children present. Be as transparent as possible and if needed, find a mediator or counselor who can help you come up with a path moving forward. Some parents have a hard time understanding early parenting choices rooted in attachment and connection. They may feel like your child's development or pace is slower than they'd prefer (bed sharing or nursing) and additional info can help. Keep in mind everyone is responding to their own conditioning and early childhood experiences and it can help to lead with compassion and curiosity.
Open conversations with how it makes you feel when your partner responds to your child in a certain way or maybe ask them how they felt when they responded. It can take years before someone is willing to notice a cycle and want to take steps to change
In the meantime, know that your child chose both of you as parents and they're learning through every engagement. Sometimes it isn't what we planned or hoped for but there's always an opportunity to lean into their feelings and remind them that they are safe and loved unconditionally.
If you find yourself engaging in ways that surprise you it's also okay to give yourself some compassion to try again - the only way we can change is through practice. Ask your child or your partner for a re-do and notice how that feels, notice how your child responds and hopefully your partner hears as well. Everyone can have a re-do at any time!
Thoughts on managing expectations around forced affection or attention by other adults:
Forcing affection at the risk of not having good manners or the acceptance and love of elders or family members sets the foundation for normalizing coercion. This is also true for siblings and friends. Consent violation is normalized all of the time in the name of 'respect' without our realizing it’s happening. Allow for practice saying 'no' and setting boundaries with safe people. Consider giving reminders about your agreements before you visit friends and family about boundaries so they feel empowered to find their voice. Give them examples for how to say 'no' and then let them know you'll stay close by to help them be heard. You may need to amplify their consent for quite a few years. "She's not ready to say 'hello' yet!" Resist the urge to apologize or label your child as 'shy'. Most importantly connect with your child to be sure they feel confident with social intelligence opportunities.
Inviting family and caregivers into your child's safety network can be helpful. If/when a boundary violation occurs, it can be helpful to share the importance of consent and boundaries for little ones. Empower other adults or reframe it into collaboration and the importance of keeping kids safe today. (The ‘we know more today’ conversation).
Every child brings fresh perspectives. There will be countless invitations to practice sharing your parenting voice and listening to other voices for integration and curiosity. Shower yourself in grace and compassion as you engage at your own pace. Parenting can feel like really BIG work sometimes. Because it is likely the most important work you'll do!!