Incorporating Trust into Parenting

What happens when we trust our child, and when is it hard for us to do that?

For our Swaddlers conversation, a lot of the discussion centered on trusting our babies when it comes to sleep (theirs and ours)  

• Trusting that they are waking for good reasons — developmental changes/growth (which might wake them on their own, but also means they might need more nursing), teething, feeling rested from late naps

• Finding ways of meeting our needs and their needs.  For example, when our babies are teething, this can show up most intensely at night for them, so they often are looking for more comfort from our presence or nursing during those times.  So what does it look like to support them through that with contact and connection why also making sure that we have our needs met too.  

• Realizing that our own sleep is cyclical or affected by our day/environment as well.  There are times when we need more rest and times when we are awake at night.  As we flow with our own body's rhythms, we might notice more acceptance for our children's rhythms.  One mom also shared noticing that her child was more regulated when she tended to our own rest patterns.

We also talked about the importance of trusting their learning journey (including frustration!)  This can come up as they learn to move — what is it like to be with them through that frustration?  And how is it when we see a way they could do it differently, but allow them to discover that path themselves?  We can use these moments to build our capacity and their capacity for frustration.  

General notes on trust... 

• Trust is living from a belief in the inherent goodness and rightness in each of us.  No matter what the outward expression/behavior is.

• This means seeing underneath challenging moments to reveal the core need that is so earnestly trying to be met (strong behaviors point to big needs)

• It is not about trusting that the outcome will always be perfect or nothing will go wrong.  It is about trusting that we (and our children) are capable of handling things, even when things are challenging.  It's about trusting that the needs are valid and that there is a way for all our needs to be met.

Jean Piaget says, "when you teach a child something, you forever take away their chance of discovering it for themselves."  What I'd add to this is that you miss an opportunity to witness their unique, beautiful way of moving through the world (they might actually teach you something in their creative ways of navigating).  And you take away the opportunity for them to to connect to their own innate knowing. 

What does trust look like?

• Giving space for mistakes

• Being with big emotions, especially frustration and disappointment

• Seeing all behaviors as serving needs (we can still hold boundaries, but knowing about the needs means we can do so calmly and with an eye towards understanding and meeting that need)

• Checking for developmental readiness/need for regulation.  Instead of pushing them to do something, trusting their timeline.  They will be independent and adventurous when they feel safe and are developmentally ready. 

What does a lack of trust look like?

• Jumping in to do or fix for them

• Rushing through feelings (theirs or our own)

• Pushing them into specific activities or ways of doing things

When trusting is hard...

• Think about where is it hardest for you to trust your child (physically, emotionally, mentally, socially).  Within that, what patterns do you notice?  

  • For example, which emotions? Any time their big?  Big positive emotions, big heavy emotions?  Feelings like disappointment or sadness?

  • Physically, is it more around rest, food, play, safety?

  • Intellectually, is it a particular area?

  • Socially, is it a concern about how they feel or how others feel?  Other concerns?

• Ask yourself how those things were treated for you?

• How do you relate to those feelings, situations, challenges?  

  • The places where we have a hard time trusting our child usually go back to ways we didn’t get support we needed and learned to compensate or took that to mean something about ourselves (and therefore an efforting to “fix” ourselves). 

What we can do to build more trust

• Observation time.  Take time and space to observe without judgment.  Notice what your child is doing, how they do it, how they figure things out, what they are interested in.  

  • Ask what genuine need they are trying to meet.  What is so perfectly right about how they are doing that?

  • Notice yourself, your own reactions, what flares you up, when is it hard to trust.

  • Sometimes it can feel hard to trust them, and sometimes it can feel hard to trust ourselves (e.g. thoughts like, “I should be engaging with them more/less,” “I should be giving more sensory experiences,” etc… all those judgments about our parenting that come up regularly)

  • Notice what you’re worry will happy if you don’t follow your judgement thoughts?  What are those thoughts trying to make sure doesn’t happen?  How did you learn to have that worry?  Where did it first come from?

• Ask yourself, what do I feel responsible for teaching my child?  Then explore, what if I oriented to them teaching me that thing instead?

  • For example, instead of needing to teach them how to go to sleep, what can they teach me about rest?  About what conditions are needed for rest, and how rest needs shift throughout our life (depending on our activity level, growth, learning, seasons, moon cycles, etc)?  About their particular preferences around what is relaxing and what is stimulating?

• Get support for the places that are trickiest for you to trust (your child or yourself).  Getting support from a therapist, coach, mentor or friend… someone who can really empathize with you and help you feel through your reactions so they don’t have to be so charged in the moment.